Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

God has abandoned us.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide