I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
You Might Also Like
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder