I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
