I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
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Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
thoughts?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-