i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
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Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive![]()
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
giddy up Office Depot
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke