i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
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I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7