i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
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*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
(by @ZachWeiner )
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors