Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.