Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Hotels are back

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food