Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

Does this dress make me look cat?

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Meanwhile in Portland…

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down