Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…