Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.