I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
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Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I have obtained a hat
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Bond. Trauma bond.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car