Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal