I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
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Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”