I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
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The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?