I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Mood.. 😂
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???