Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”