I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

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[shady back alley]

Hey kid, wanna smoke some salmon?


Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…


Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife


She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]


I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.


Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.


CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions


In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.


Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.