I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
that colleague who touches your screen
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
A friend sent me this.
🤣🤣🤣
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy