@FeverFlave

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

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@GensPlace

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…

@Daveastated

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

@rambo_dogg

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

@MiddleageM

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
FRIEND: What

@ComedicBust

Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.

@ginadivittorio

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

@daemonic3

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

@iamchrisscott

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon