I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
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My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.