This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that
THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE’S LYING TO YOU!
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*6 wakes up at 5.45 a.m.*
6: *groggily* I’m awake.
Me: Oh, good morn…
6: *faceplants on me* I don’t like it.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
It’s a shame push-up bras don’t work on IQs.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.