I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that


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This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument


*6 wakes up at 5.45 a.m.*

6: *groggily* I’m awake.

Me: Oh, good morn…

6: *faceplants on me* I don’t like it.


Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy


[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…


Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.


You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??


My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes


God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.