Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*