I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
me before I type out affect or effect
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
brian had himself a morning…
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
🥲
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2