Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

I hate everything

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.