I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Harsh but fair
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad