i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
