I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
You Might Also Like
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano