I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
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Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.