Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

dark side of the loom

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now