I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
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I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I saw this ending much differently.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.