I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
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*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?