I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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