I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
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My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
the #horror is real!
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
