I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
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the simulation is moving too fast
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
termite twitter scares me
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
never forget
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.