Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men