I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
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5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Sunday
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]