I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
lmfao
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Sending in my taxes
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do