Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

I gave up going to work for lent.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?