I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.