Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”