I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
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[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
fly smarter, not harder
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
notice
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
just pretend nothing happened
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol