I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
