I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
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Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.