I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
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Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
May have had one breakfast too many
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?