I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
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Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.