I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
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Nice try, NASA
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Is fructose made with real fruct?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
boat question
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.