Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.