I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
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When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!