i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
2022 be like
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
