Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

superman landing like a plane on his belly

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about