i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
How can I say no to this ?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.