Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.