i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You Might Also Like
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I feel this so hard
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
