Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

I have never related to a cat more

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

Do one person every day that scares you.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.