Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520