I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
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This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it