I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
The photographer’s assistant
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.