I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
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Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop