Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

eggs benadryl

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.