Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

*limbos away from your hug*

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

roses are red
i fall when i skate

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure