I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.