I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
You Might Also Like
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
whatcha thinkin bout
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
What even happened today?
Meanwhile in Portland…
NASA has no chill
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]