Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

They’re really bad with fonts.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material