I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
The future is now.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.