I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
You Might Also Like
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life