I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island