Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These are so Plastic Man-core

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.