Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

absolutely not

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

technique

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL