I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
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I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Story time
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers