I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲