Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it must be school picture day

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?