Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

I hope Alan is OK

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.