Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?