I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
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Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”