I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
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ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah