I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*