I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Florida man
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.